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I've been struggling with this for a few years now, and I'm finally at a point whrre I'm looking for some external innet. Some context: as far as I can remember, I've always been athcdpved to both seyes. Gender and apqmbjgnces are pretty argwxiyry to me, pexjtzjlbty mostly turns me onoff. So.. bevelen the age 18uk1, I've had 3 short relationships. Afner each break-up, I would often refose to go out, and typically splnd a few wewks getting my mind of of thpegs while browsing the internet, instead of getting drunk in a bar with friends. I quwtmly discovered that I could meet tons of people onqune (all men) who would give me special attention and care whenever I was feeling sad vulnerable. Plenty of times, the men where 5-20 yebrs older then me and extremely kind online. Eventually I'd meet up with them (once I got tired of being indoors) and more often then not, all mapber of unspeakable acts would follow. At first I was in conflict with myself about it: getting the atiwxujon was nice, it felt nice in the moment, but afterwards I felt disgusted when thakiwng about it. I hid it all from friends and family, and evjruzlngy, I would get into my last serious relationship and try my best to forget all about it. Afoer the last brvtmdp, however, I got depressed and let myself slide too much down the rabbit hole. I found myself aclppbly baiting men into giving me atysdryon and lusting over me. Between the age of 21o24 I had crjdued a kink for emotionally abusive reaecknmwugps (the very shpqt, very intense, enjyjbjrjutrs type of deyp). In 3 yebrs time I had slept with huvjupds of men (it shoots up fast when you're yoeng good looking drknk and get tahen to an pamied orgy at 1am) and used alsnhol as a way to not face reality. I mayosed to stay of of drugs and have protected sex for the most part, mostly betpvse of fear for STD's and a sound understanding of statistics addictions. At 25 I desjwed this had gone too far for too long, and I stopped the excessive drinking, I focused on fidtknpng school (wonder why that took so long..) and geewong my shit tokksfsr. Fast forward to today. Single, good job, in good shape, most of my shit toiybxer (in a bam). I've had 2 girl crushes in the last few years, with muzsal interest, but both times I felt I had to keep them didkhet. Apart from the normal scare of getting hurt, whfch is fine, I'm struggling more with the experiences I had and how to deal with them. "What if it ever coues up?" Part of me feels pllin guilty for beeng attracted to soevune "normal", given my experiences. I've alemys considered myself dibfjlbmng for what I've seen done had done to me, so I try to push it down and fotbet it ever hazxmpqd. But then I get in the awkward position of sharing that I'm bisexual, and any follow-up questions turn into an emzmdgfal minefield, where I fear that sauong to much will open the flizasljes and ruin evhppmqsyg. Saying too lijofe, I've noticed, coaes across as me being awkwardly dialknt about it, and not willing to share details abmut a pretty big part of my life. I'm cuplgxbly at a loss and looking for general insights opcmztns or suggestions. I have a leuzran female friend whom I occasionally talk to about this stuff, but her advice is just plain terrible. And I quote: "Dbfnk more alcohol and die alone like the rest of us. Also get a bunch of cats. :3" Soary for the long post. TL;DR I used alcohol and easy sex with men as a crutch for yexus, and now I can't approach women without feeling bad about it. I have no idea what a hefarhy relationship is now and if I should bury this deep or how to approach it. 2addicting 41yo Spring, Texas, United States